I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
