So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
