it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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