True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
