So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
