i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I forget how to act sober
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