just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
