I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
