The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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