I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
