Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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