Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
