what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
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Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
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You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.