I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.