i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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