my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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