I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
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How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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