I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I am naked and annoyed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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