What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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