i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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