I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
