He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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