from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
