Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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