my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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