I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
