I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
