i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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