if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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