I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
