I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
