Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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