Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
