I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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