the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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