I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
