You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
