so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
