I can text with my tongue
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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