I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
