i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
