i think my tv is drunk
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
