I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
