Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The Olympian is in my bed
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
