My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
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I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
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First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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