There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
