Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
