they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
