You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
