***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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