I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
