3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
