Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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