Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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