Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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