Four minutes until I can fart!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
