You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
