he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
