Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
