You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
